Infertility

I haven't really talked in depth to anyone about this subject or written much about it.  L. and I have been struggling with infertility for years now.  Yes, we have a son, and we are so thankful for that.  It took me almost three years to get pregnant with him.  L. and I tried everything "natural" we heard had worked for others.  We did 6 months of clomid treatment and on the last month, I got pregnant.  My doctor told me that I shouldn't have to worry about infertility after my baby was born because my body would "know" how to get pregnant.  Yet, L. and I find ourselves in the same position we were in four years ago--desperately trying to get pregnant and having zero luck.  We have been trying for almost two years and things actually seem worse than last time.  I rarely ovulate, my basal body temperature is very irregular, and my fertile years are swiftly diminishing.  My doctor has found no underlying cause for my infertility--I just am.  That is almost as hard to swallow as the fact that I may never have more than one child.

I have so many weird feelings wrapped up in my infertility.  I am angry that my body doesn't work the way it is "supposed" to, frustrated with the lack of a specific diagnosis, and overwhelmed by the cost of fertility treatments and adoption.  I feel guilty that I can't just be happy with the wonderful child I have--that I want more.  I am scared of another pregnancy and the very real possibility of complications like those I had with S. that almost cost him his life, and the continued health issues I have in the aftermath of pregnancy.  I feel isolated, both from those who so easily get pregnant and from those who have gone through the more complicated fertility treatments.  I don't belong to either group, so don't feel I belong anywhere.  Because we were able to get pregnant on clomid, I almost feel like a fraud talking about my infertility, yet I am faced with it every month when it becomes obvious that I am still not pregnant.

I get so weary of the questions about whether we want more children or when we are going to have more children.  I don't feel any anger toward the questioners; they are genuinely interested and nice.   Everytime, though, I answer with "we would like to" or "we hope to" I feel like crying.  I always imagined myself with lots of kids.  When L. and I became serious, we settled on three children as our target number.  I have had to watch the chances having three children or even two children dwindle and fade and the pain the accompanies that reality is indescribable.

In an attempt to find the underlying cause of my infertility, I am going in to be tested for celiac disease next week and polycystic ovary syndrome the following week.  Hopefully, one or both of the tests will give me some concrete answers and we will be able to proceed more deliberately from there.  Regardless of the outcome, we will tentatively start clomid treatments this summer or fall.  Hopefully, it will work again and we will be able to add to our little family.